I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
