like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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