my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
