Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
