is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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