You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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