So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
