i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
