Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
