O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
