I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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