genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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