His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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