you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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