The maid of honor just puked.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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