Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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