i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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