you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
