she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
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