I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
