Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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