What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
