Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
