this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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