Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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