Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
