how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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