She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
