I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
