Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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