That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
