Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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