I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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