Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize