More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
where does the pee come out of this thing
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
