it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
