Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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