She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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