I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
