Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
