party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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