Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
