it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
