anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
This baby is an asshole
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize