I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
