I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
