And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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