It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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