im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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