I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
