My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize