Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
