how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
