Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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