Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Everything about him screamed your future.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
