I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Dignity is for republicans.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
