Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
