I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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