I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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