she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
