Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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