Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
